DOUGLAS

Last summer, I enrolled myself in MUS 202, a music history class, with no great expectations. I was simply glad to be in school again. That class turned into something greater than I ever thought it could be. The instructor, Dr. Douglas Bush, was eternally passionate, not just about music history, but the literature and art that went along side it. He spoke softly, taking time to think through his words, delicately talking about Bach and Milton among others. The holiness of the history filled the room. Music 202 became a holy experience.

About six weeks after the term ended, Dr. Bush passed away. 

Life hasn't dealt me a lot of experience with death quite yet. While I am grateful for that, I also find I lack a lot of empathy when others are faced with the loss of loved ones. Even though I wasn't at all close to Dr. Bush, I felt incredibly influenced by his goodness and his passion. 

I didn't realize his influence until I realized I wouldn't have the opportunity to greet him as he walked down the halls, or hear him play the organ. I also didn't realize his affect would be so long lasting until a woman at my work told me that Classical 89 was hosting an Organ Concert in his honor.

My heart melted a bit.

Anyways, I'm writing all of this to demonstrate how amazing people are, how amazing the plan is, how wonderful it is that I can feel love for a person like this. 

Life is wonderful.

CLOUDS

This last month has been a life changer for me in many ways. The biggest one being that I have reduced my OCD medication to 0. ZERO. I count this as a big win for me.

While on tour with BYU Singers, I felt particularly overwhelmed by the new gradual invasion of obsessive thoughts. My mind was populated with cloudy, fuzzy, negative thoughts. During a concert, I became increasingly aware that this "illness" may not ever go away. All I wanted to do was run off the stage and wallow in my self-pity. At the end of the concert, we began singing a song titled "Unclouded Day." 

Oh they tell me of a home far beyond the skies

They tell me of a home far away.

Oh they tell me of a home where no storm clouds rise.

Oh they tell me of an unclouded day.

I couldn't take it any longer. Tears flooded my eyes. 

Even though our life is filled with clouded, long, hard days, there will be a day when our lives will be unclouded and my mind will be cloudless. 

Wow. What a glorious day that will be.

GUILT

My co-worker/good friend Kathryn Muhlestein wrote this beautiful blog post for me a couple of months ago.  Read on and visit her website - she is currently living in Germany and is a super great graphic designer. In fact, she designed my blog.  

I've been thinking about the Spirit lately, and just how wonderful and peaceful and fill-your-whole-soul with joy it is. And also how it can guide us to repent and change. We communicate with the Spirit often through feelings, but our feelings are also influenced by lots of other things like emotions, lack of sleep, OCD, etc.  

I used to get really worried about little things that don't really matter--like whether or not I straightened all the clothes in my closet, for instance, or whether I worded a note to a friend slightly the wrong way, or if I might have left a door unlocked and I didn't check it the third time. I guess those are little things, but I would feel really guilty for not being thorough or not doing my best or not being tactful or any number of things. And because I felt guilty, I would assume the spirt was telling me to change, that I was doing something wrong. So I would try to correct everything, worrying that I wasn't being perfect. On my mission (SUCH a great learning time!) and also afterwards, I've been learning to tell the difference between my own (often irrational worries) and the true voice of the Spirit. I love how the scriptures talk about the "voice" of the spirit. That is the best way I can think to describe the difference between my worry-prone feelings and spiritual feelings. Both of them are encouraging me to do something, but in different ways--different "voices." My worries feel harried and agitated. The Spirit feels calm and gently encouraging.

Now, when I have a feeling that I should do something, I try to mentally step back and recognize the true source. If I realize that it isn't the Spirit, I have to give myself permission to not follow it, even when I felt very compelled to or guilty for not doing something (like re-making my bed, for instance, because it's crooked). And I try to give myself permission to not feel bad about it, because I know it doesn't matter.

The best part is that when I truly am feeling the Spirt, and can recognize it, I get the opportunity to obey the promptings without guilt or worry. I give myself permission to trust that everything will turn out for the best, even if I do make a mistake or things don't go as planned. I remind myself that, with The Lord, there is always peace and love and joy, even though I'm not perfect.

PINOCCHIO

So, about a month ago, I was binge watching the television show Once Upon a Time.
It's a winner.

Anyways, I watched an episode where the character, Pinocchio (the adult version), quickly pummels to his death because of promises and duties he didn't live up to. As he fades away, he feels intense regret for neglecting to honor the promises he made to his father. But the fairy explains that regret and remorse was not enough to save him. After his passing, the fairy remembers something that could restore his life. As the fairy performed her magic, I was so excited to watch Pinocchio experience repentance and forgiveness. Moments later, I was deeply disappointed as I saw the young boy Pinocchio wake up, where the adult lay before - the memories and lessons of his old life forgotten.

My joy of the father and son reunion was over-run by sadness that his life experience had been lost.

This episode caused me to reflect on the amazing opportunity we have to make mistakes, feel regret, fix them, be forgiven, and then remember the experience. Even though we are imperfect people and we may have unpleasant memories of our follies, what a joy it is to remember those and learn from those. They are a part of us. Forgiveness wouldn't be the same if we couldn't remember we made a mistake in the first place.

DUMPY - THE 8TH DWARF

Even though I've taken a brief hiatus from blogging, my mind is still going a million miles an hour. I have thought lots about this blog, though my activity on it does not reflect it.

Anyways, a few months ago I was involved in a voice competition. I received lots of great feedback, but one judge in particular put me to thinking. One of her criticisms on my first round was that I need to wear something more formal. I took that gracefully, and dressed up more for the second round. The next day, I received my comments and she mentioned that I have a glorious voice and I shouldn't dress it in something dumpy.

This sent me over the edge, and I didn't know what to do. After lots of discussing and thinking, I determined why this bothered me so much. In Junior High and High School, I spent a lot of my time convincing myself that looks didn't matter or define my worth as a young woman. By the time I got to college, I had learned that lesson pretty thoroughly.

When that adjudicator wrote that comment, I felt that all those years of convincing myself that looks didn't define my worth were being challenged more than ever. I was distraught. How dare this woman tell me that my looks defined my worth as a singer.

Well, I calmed down. And my Mom taught me a great lesson. She helped me realize that
1 - I was right. Looks didn't define my individual worth as a Woman. And
2 - Dressing up so my outside matched my inside wasn't a bad thing and didn't improve my          worth, it just reflected it.

Anyways, it was a weird lesson to learn, and very hard to describe. But I learned that I could look nice and worry a bit more about how I looked while believing that it didn't define my Divine Worth.

P.S. Yay for great hair days!!!!!!!