BIG MAGIC

In the last quarter of 2018, I read (listened to) Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. And that's when it all started. That's when something ignited within me. And has brought me here to this blog post.

I could go on forever about the things I learned from Miss Gilbert, but I would rather not burden anyone with that pile of words all at once. So, I will sum up my take-aways using language from Walt Whitman and the Bible:

I am large, I contain multitudes. - Walt Whitman

"thou shalt see greater things than these."  - John 1:50

Intellectually, I had always understood my extreme potential for greatness, but that understanding never reached my soul until completing this book. And I felt it. I felt the big magic in my belly, like a ton of bricks. I felt the strike of the match in my heart. And those feelings wouldn't leave me alone. For a few months, I searched my soul for a direction in which to grow this cosmic ball of energy that had welled up inside of me. Clarity evaded me and the fire burned steady. Fed up with trying to find the right direction, I decided to run towards something interesting and a bit familiar to me and others of my generation - social media. (You may or may not have noticed me posting with more purpose and regularity). After posting and writing with regularity for a week or so, I felt that spark turn into a campfire, and I am sure it will continue to spread into a wild fire as I keep going. 

I can't explain it, but I really feel like I am on fire with hustle, creative ideas, energy and confidence. I sense the greatness of my talents and abilities more than I ever have before. I have no idea where this will lead, but I DO know that I am capable of magic and full of miracles. And if I like feeling this way - fulfilled, energized, in tune - I do not doubt that others may feel similarly. There is a spark waiting to grow in all of us, and I'm just here turning mine into a wildfire in hopes that living this way will give YOU permission to burn as brightly as you would like. 

As cheesy as all of this may be or sound, it's my reality. As my photos and thoughts fill up your feed, feel free to scroll right on by. But, I hope to light the souls of the world on fire with creativity, joy, and confidence (among other things). And I'm starting here.

"Buddhists observe that we're all on fire. 

It's so beautiful to sometimes tune in and see the flickering."

- Graham Duncan

Why I Left a Creative Career to Live a Creative Life

I had made it. I was in my final year of my Masters Degree at a prestigious university in an extraordinary music department. I was awarded more auditions than I could manage (and afford, quite frankly) and singing better than ever before.

A few days before my biggest audition trip to New York yet, I was finishing out some auditions in Houston. While waiting for my turn, I was chatting with my friend Nadia about her future plans and I was impressed with her fresh perspective on the performing life. Mid-conversation, the world around me seemed to go mute, and I heard a voice say, "You don't have to do this if you don't want to." Excuse me, what? "You don't have to do this if you don't want to." And then, my name was called to enter the audition room. Extremely distracted, I sang the worst rendition of Jewel Song I've ever sung, and left the room. They obviously didn't ask for a second piece.

As I exited the room, I thought about the words I had heard, and began to panic a bit. Not for the reasons you would think. I began to panic because I realized my first response (after being completed weirded out) to "You don't have to do this if you don't want to" was "Where is the nearest door. Get me out of here."

My direct and sure response to the voice kind of shocked me. More than anything, it relieved me. This distinct and clear revelation changed the course of my life that year. I was ready to follow the herd, continue exerting myself in the pattern my peers and mentors had set before me. But that permission slip allowed me to explore options like I never had before and take risks that have filled my life in ways I didn't expect.

After that experience, I still went on my audition trip and sang better at those auditions than any others because it turns out when you don't care about the auditions, you sing REAL good. I even got into my first paid Young Artist Program. I thought it was pretty ironic that once I had determined to vary from the path, I was welcomed onto it. I explored my options - auditioned for artist diplomas, last minute auditioned for a Doctoral Program (that was a freaking whirlwind), got in most places, received unbelievable offers to continue my studies, and decided to turn them all down and go home.

I was ready to discover my own path and stop trying to fit in to what teachers and my career thought I needed to be. Since moving home, I have experimented and explored so much. And I've never felt more liberated or creative in my life. Ideas and desires to create pulse through me. And even more than that, my confidence is at an all time high.

I may return to singing and music full-time, but for now, I am relishing in my creative life. Quitting music full time isn't for everyone, but it certainly has done wonders for me. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I given myself permission to "quit" or "leave" earlier. I honestly don't know. I do know that I wouldn't be singing as pretty. And no one would like that. So, with no regrets, I continue to truly create the best life I could imagine.

101 in 1001

Last year, my friend Angela posted a listed of 101 things to do in 1001 days. I mean, I love all things lists and goals so I naturally fell in love with the idea. I started creating my own 101 in 1001 last year, but forgot to finish it. I came back to it in January and realized I had already accomplished some of the things on the list. So, I made some edits and added lots more. And here we are! Here is my to-do list/ bucket list of 101 things I would like to do in the next 1001 days. If you make one, let me know about it! ]

101 in 1001 (February 11, 2019 - November 8, 2021)

Personal Development

1. Learn to tune a piano
2. Learn to Grill
3. Take a Khan Academy Coding Class
4. Make a Quilt
5. Serve at Welfare Square When I Have the Chance
6. Be a Guest Speaker
7. Give Blood
8. Do a Teeth Whitening Regiment
9. Marie Kondo My Apartment
10. Attempt to Write a Novel
11. Go to a Motivational and/or Business Conference
12. Start and Finish The Artist’s Way 12-Week Program
13. Wear Retainer Regularly
14. Collect Recipes in an Organized Fashion
15. Move all of My Stuff out of my Parent’s House
16. Go To A Self-Development Conference
17. Start Today Journal Every Morning
18. Find Contacts that don’t make my eyes itch after 4 hours
19. Organize my Music and spotify lists

Just For Fun
20. Start a Bowling Team
21. Send Flowers To Someone
22. Go On a Ghost Tour
23. Figure Out How To Make Cocoa Bean Quality Hot Chocolate
24. Host a Dinner Party
25. Try 20 New Restaurants in Salt Lake
26. Get Set Up On A Blind Date
27. Go To Sundance Film Festival
28. Watch Stranger Things
29. Attend Tea Time at the Grand America
30. Take Pictures in a Photo Booth
31. Surprise Someone
32. Go To A Hockey Game
33. Go to a Gymnastics Meet
34. Go To a Volleyball Game
35. Attend Some Other Sort of Sporting Event
36. Try a Sensory Deprivation Tank
37. Learn to Make Donuts (not the cakey ones)
38. Learn to Make the Swig Sugar Cookie
39. Learn to Make Home-Made Cinnamon Rolls
40. Watch the Sunrise
41. Memorize a Poem

Work
42. Increase My Audience (Online and otherwise)
43. Become a Certified Appraiser
44. Double My Income

Physical
45. Get Up On Something Behind a Boat
46. Run 1 Continuous Mile
47. Do a Real Push up
48. Do a Real Pull up
49. Swim in a Triathlon
50. Improve Posture

Reading
51. Read All of Shakespeare’s Works
52. Read a Poetry Book
53. Read 5 Biographies
54. Read a Book on the NY Best Seller’s List
55. Read a Book in Spanish
56. Read a Book in Italian
57. Re-read Harry Potter

Music
58. Perform in a Musical
59. Go To a Concert ( Non- Classical)
60. Learn to Play Liszt’s Transcription of Schumann’s Widmung (Liebeslied)
61. Record an Album
62. See The Lion King
63. See The Phantom of the Opera
64. Practice Organ and play with pedals with a congregation

Travel
65. Visit the Grand Canyon
66. Visit my Mission
67. Road Trip Pacific Coast Highway
68. Visit New York at least once
69. Travel To Europe (priority: England, Iceland, France, Spain)
70. Do a Yearly Cabin Retreat
71. Go On A Cruise
72. Go Camping
73. Spend the Day at a Resort Spa
74. Visit the Four Corners
75. Walk Across the Golden Gate Bridge
76. Visit a 3 New States
77. Go to Disney somewhere besides California
78. Go to Lake Tahoe
79. Visit a Hot Spring

Spiritual
80. Read the Standard Works
81. Find 10 Family Members to do Temple Work for
82. Read Jesus, The Christ
83. Meditate Every Day For a Month
84. Journal Everyday for a Month
85. Read a Book on Daoism
86. Visit Church Services of 3 Other Religions
87. Visit 3 New Temples
88. Read My Patriarchal Blessing Once a Month

Financial
89. Put More In My Retirement Fund
90. Pay Off Car Loan
91. Pay Off Piano Loan
92. Pay Off Student Loan
93. Buy A House

Family/Friends
94. Buy my Family Members Presents for Their Birthdays
95. Do Monthly Niece/Nephew Dates
96. Monthly Quality Contact with Brothers
97. Plan a Trip with Chelsea
98. Plan a Visit with Courtney
99. Scan in More Scrapbooks For Mom
100. See John Annually (at least)
101. Write 5 Letters to Loved Ones

FRIDAY FIVE

1. Album I've been listening to:  By the way, I forgive you by Brandi Carlile

An earthy voice paired with an emotional topic. This album fills me up. I've only scraped the surface of what this album and Brandi have to offer, but I can't wait to dive deeper.

2. Quote I've been pondering: "The reward for attention is always healing." - Julia Cameron

3. Book I've been reading: Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell

Rainbow Rowell's writing about teenage first love is striking and poignant. It was such a raw, emotional read for me. I love the characters and Rainbow's prose was beautiful. And all of the feelings. And yeah. It was beautiful. Great read. A definite language warning is warranted, though.

4. New phone app I'm enjoying: Light Alarm (Free)

I haven't brought myself to pay for the full app yet, but I'm experimenting with the free version for now. This app lets you set your alarm and it will walk you up gradually with bird chirping, or chimes, or crickets (I'm sure there are more options on the full version). It will also use your flashlight and your phone screen to gradually brighten your room. This has helped my mornings be a bit better and a little less alarming (haha see what I did there). I realize there are alarm clocks that do a much better job of the gradual lighting and sound thing, but I can't afford that right now. So this'll have to do for a bit.

5. Video I was reminded of that brings delight and joy to all: Madeline Kahn and Grover on Sesame Street. Madeline Kahn is a goddess. Not only is she a comedic genius in movies like What's Up Doc? and Clue  but she can also sing gloriously. It truly isn't fair. I love her. And I love Sesame Street.