REMEMBERING

Sometimes, I look back on my mission, and wonder why I thought it was so hard. This blog is filled with examples of when I had hard times, but I was able to pull through. I'm doing just fine with OCD and anxiety and depression now, why was it so hard on my mission?

And then......

I remember..

I don't know if relapse is the right word. But the last few weeks have been particularly difficult. I made a personal decision to go off of my medication. My doctor said I wouldn't know how it really feels until I'd been off for about a month.

Let me tell you, It's been 5 weeks, and I know how it really feels.

It's hard. OCD is hard. And these last few weeks have been hard.

I don't know what else I should say.

Since this blog is meant to help those that may be experiencing mental illness, I thought it was important to share all aspects of the experience. It's not all self discovery, and patience, and hope. There's a lot of despair, and pain, and hell, as well.

I guess I'm here to say, like a little kid once said,
"Hope ya know, I had a hard time."

CLOUDS

This last month has been a life changer for me in many ways. The biggest one being that I have reduced my OCD medication to 0. ZERO. I count this as a big win for me.

While on tour with BYU Singers, I felt particularly overwhelmed by the new gradual invasion of obsessive thoughts. My mind was populated with cloudy, fuzzy, negative thoughts. During a concert, I became increasingly aware that this "illness" may not ever go away. All I wanted to do was run off the stage and wallow in my self-pity. At the end of the concert, we began singing a song titled "Unclouded Day." 

Oh they tell me of a home far beyond the skies

They tell me of a home far away.

Oh they tell me of a home where no storm clouds rise.

Oh they tell me of an unclouded day.

I couldn't take it any longer. Tears flooded my eyes. 

Even though our life is filled with clouded, long, hard days, there will be a day when our lives will be unclouded and my mind will be cloudless. 

Wow. What a glorious day that will be.

OKAY

When you have a mental illness, it is all about learning to be okay with imperfection - giving your best effort to the most important priorities and letting other things fall where they may. This isn't giving up or being lazy, it is recognizing the human condition.  Oftentimes, when I am late for something or I give less than 100%, it gnaws at my heart and my stomach for an extended amount of time. Like Jeffrey R. Holland said, it feels like a "crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their soldiers and think more positively." My mind can't seem to move on until someone tells me "It's okay."

Since being diagnosed with OCD, I have been developing an invaluable skill - the ability to tell myself that "it's okay" and believe it. You could say that this is my mantra. When I'm late for class and I can't get over the fact that I was late, I can tell myself that it's okay. When I lose my patience with someone and can't stop obsessing over how bad of a person I am, I can tell myself that it's okay.

I'm not perfect. Ain't nobody got time for that. And that's okay.