REMEMBERING

Sometimes, I look back on my mission, and wonder why I thought it was so hard. This blog is filled with examples of when I had hard times, but I was able to pull through. I'm doing just fine with OCD and anxiety and depression now, why was it so hard on my mission?

And then......

I remember..

I don't know if relapse is the right word. But the last few weeks have been particularly difficult. I made a personal decision to go off of my medication. My doctor said I wouldn't know how it really feels until I'd been off for about a month.

Let me tell you, It's been 5 weeks, and I know how it really feels.

It's hard. OCD is hard. And these last few weeks have been hard.

I don't know what else I should say.

Since this blog is meant to help those that may be experiencing mental illness, I thought it was important to share all aspects of the experience. It's not all self discovery, and patience, and hope. There's a lot of despair, and pain, and hell, as well.

I guess I'm here to say, like a little kid once said,
"Hope ya know, I had a hard time."

CLOUDS

This last month has been a life changer for me in many ways. The biggest one being that I have reduced my OCD medication to 0. ZERO. I count this as a big win for me.

While on tour with BYU Singers, I felt particularly overwhelmed by the new gradual invasion of obsessive thoughts. My mind was populated with cloudy, fuzzy, negative thoughts. During a concert, I became increasingly aware that this "illness" may not ever go away. All I wanted to do was run off the stage and wallow in my self-pity. At the end of the concert, we began singing a song titled "Unclouded Day." 

Oh they tell me of a home far beyond the skies

They tell me of a home far away.

Oh they tell me of a home where no storm clouds rise.

Oh they tell me of an unclouded day.

I couldn't take it any longer. Tears flooded my eyes. 

Even though our life is filled with clouded, long, hard days, there will be a day when our lives will be unclouded and my mind will be cloudless. 

Wow. What a glorious day that will be.

DISEASE

My roommate recently began working at an addiction rehabilitation center. She comes home every weekend dying to tell us about the amazing people she works with. This past weekend, she had a conversation with one of the clients about how people seem to think those who deal with addictions are inherently bad people. But in reality, it's the substance that is bad, not the person.

This principle is true when thinking of any disease, trial, or imperfection. Someone addicted to pornography, someone who suffers from depression, someone who has a short temper - these are all hard things - these things do not define a person. An individual's worth was decided and defined long before any addiction, disease, or weakness came to fruition. And these issues don't change anything. Learn how to look beyond the illness, see who they really are, and love them. Let your love laser beam straight through the walls of depression, anxiety, weakness, and addictions until it strikes their heart. Let them feel a piece of heaven through you.

THE SECRET

Depression has always been one of those taboo topics. It's not talked about much, yet so many suffer from it. I love this video that wisely and accurately explains depression. He is wise. And you would be wise to take twenty minutes to educate yourself so that you, too, can understand what so many people suffer with.

I WANT TO SEE YOU BE BRAVE

Yesterday was a rough day for me. Every stress of the week seemed to pile up until I felt that I was drowning in my to-do list. As I took the long walk back to my car, I could feel myself giving up. The anxiety was mounting, the depression was nesting. I felt like the walking dead. But then, I had a moment of bravery and collected all the emotional and mental strength I could and said,

"Self, you got this."

Through this simple decision, I think that several days of wallowing and anxiety battles were avoided.

It's hard, but so worth it to be brave.

This is one of my new favorite songs