GUILT

My co-worker/good friend Kathryn Muhlestein wrote this beautiful blog post for me a couple of months ago.  Read on and visit her website - she is currently living in Germany and is a super great graphic designer. In fact, she designed my blog.  

I've been thinking about the Spirit lately, and just how wonderful and peaceful and fill-your-whole-soul with joy it is. And also how it can guide us to repent and change. We communicate with the Spirit often through feelings, but our feelings are also influenced by lots of other things like emotions, lack of sleep, OCD, etc.  

I used to get really worried about little things that don't really matter--like whether or not I straightened all the clothes in my closet, for instance, or whether I worded a note to a friend slightly the wrong way, or if I might have left a door unlocked and I didn't check it the third time. I guess those are little things, but I would feel really guilty for not being thorough or not doing my best or not being tactful or any number of things. And because I felt guilty, I would assume the spirt was telling me to change, that I was doing something wrong. So I would try to correct everything, worrying that I wasn't being perfect. On my mission (SUCH a great learning time!) and also afterwards, I've been learning to tell the difference between my own (often irrational worries) and the true voice of the Spirit. I love how the scriptures talk about the "voice" of the spirit. That is the best way I can think to describe the difference between my worry-prone feelings and spiritual feelings. Both of them are encouraging me to do something, but in different ways--different "voices." My worries feel harried and agitated. The Spirit feels calm and gently encouraging.

Now, when I have a feeling that I should do something, I try to mentally step back and recognize the true source. If I realize that it isn't the Spirit, I have to give myself permission to not follow it, even when I felt very compelled to or guilty for not doing something (like re-making my bed, for instance, because it's crooked). And I try to give myself permission to not feel bad about it, because I know it doesn't matter.

The best part is that when I truly am feeling the Spirt, and can recognize it, I get the opportunity to obey the promptings without guilt or worry. I give myself permission to trust that everything will turn out for the best, even if I do make a mistake or things don't go as planned. I remind myself that, with The Lord, there is always peace and love and joy, even though I'm not perfect.